Press Release Success!

The opposite of success is failure and I have spent the last week flushing a lot of perceived failures this past week in order to get to my successful soul-shining self underneath.  What a painful process!  I felt fortunate to share with my tribe on Marco Polo how difficult this process was and is and how reaching out to others who have the courage to do this helps immensely!

What I see and feel glimmering through each time I sit and bath in my soul shine is everything I love which breeds success! There is nothing more perfectly-successful than the three children I have raised and given birth too! I am in awe of their everything! Each morning this week I sit on my button Zafu pillow meditating on pleasant feelings visualizing being with my children in my favorite place, the beach.  I see my husband and I living on a Florida beach and visualize our children coming to visit often.  beach.jpg

Success smells like salty air! It tastes like fresh Maine lobster! It sounds like ocean waves! It feels like unconditional-timeless-ageless-love for and from my children and husband!

As I begin to place images of dreams and desires into my conscious state, images which are similar or familiar begin to appear. Memories begin to seep through from my subconscious mind of taking my children to the beach in Maine, Cape Cod, Rhode Island, Connecticut, Georgia, and Florida.  Flashbacks of plastic pails and shovels, seashells, sandcastles, and sea glass were not the first to come, instead I had waves of pleasant and unpleasant memories simultaneously. Out of all my children, Kevin is my dolphin! He loves the beach just as much as I do.  Seeing him with his dolphin boogie board smiling and laughing with each wave as it kissed his soul, makes mine melt as well.  Then I remembered times when I missed him so and I would drive 5-6 hours from Maine to Cape Cod to visit him each weekend when he was only four years old.  Nothing broke my heart more than not being able to care for him. He had been diagnosed with autism when he was two and went two years without any sleep.  When I visited him at the May Center, I would take him to the beach, the place that brought our hearts together and heal our salty tears.  After a year of Kevin being placed, he came back home to Maine with more intensive supports and all we had worked for fell apart again and he moved back to Cape Cod for another year and a half.  This time it affected my daughter Meaveen as well and she didn’t want to visit him. I could tell it was too hard for her to see her brother struggle so much. My daughter Meaveen, is my heron/phoenix and I would take her to the beach in Maine many times but she never liked the beach and always complained of the sand. Her favorite thing to do at the beach was to find treasures to bring home in her pail. My son came back home for a short time before he moved to a group home I had developed with another family in Maine. I moved to Georgia with Kevin and Meaveen and got married and had Abby who like Meaveen, doesn’t care for the beach much either, the sand bothers her too.

Two years ago I divorced a second time and I remarried this past February, 2017. My husband, Rick enjoys the beach, provided he has an umbrella and a hat. My son Kevin lives in a group home in Columbus, GA, my daughter Meaveen is living with her father in CT, and my daughter Abby lives with her father in Griffin, GA, which brings me back to my sit and the success I feel when I think of them each morning visualizing my favorite place, the beach. I miss waking each of them up each morning and kissing and saying good night when they went to bed. My son and I have been separated 9 times and nothing motivates me more than the success of making sure my children are provided for. There have been many times in my life I have felt I failed and many times I have gotten back up and tried again. Yet, there have been few times in my life when I have felt success until this week. I am learning there are more successes than failures in me and visualizing my children growing, living, and loving each morning helps me find and remember my own heredity, my divine heredity as well as theirs and where we all come from. I realize the more I consciously see my own successes, the more I visualize successes for my children and my husband who are my heart and world! Failure and success are opposite sides of the same coin. In order for me to visualize success, I must also remember and honor my failures. I am no longer afraid of success because I am unafraid of learning from my failures!

My definite major purpose in life is love for God/Creator, myself, my children, my husband, and sharing it with all I encounter! I live and breath love from the depths of my soul through my smile, voice, thought and action. I am fearless of my divine inheritance which is to inspire others to live life abundantly with true health physically, mentally, emotionally,  and spiritually!

 

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Week 5 Heredity

Emotions have been high, low, deep, and wide this week with my fifteen minute sits each morning.  Last week I attended a webinar for the Master Key Experience and asked the question about genetics and how much of our negative concrete is inherited from past generations. Although I received great responses from Mark and Davene, I felt reading Hannell’s lesson 5 each morning this week spoke directly to my question.

In Part Five, “4. The mind, which pervades the body, is largely the result of heredity, which, in turn, is simply the result of all the environments of all past generations on the responsive and ever-moving life forces. An understanding of this fact will enable us to use our authority when we find some undesirable trait of character manifesting.” I understand this as where I learned the characteristic of blame which has been holding much of the self-defeating concrete in my consciousness. There is another reference in “6. Again, this mind which pervades our physical body is not only the result of hereditary tendencies, but is the result of home, business, and social environment, where countless thousands of impressions, ideas, prejudices and similar thought have been received.  Much of this has been received from others, the result of opinions, suggestions; much of it is the result of our own thinking, but nearly all of it has been accepted with little or no examination or consideration.” I am a yellow and I could feel how these words were directly validating my question from last week’s webinar which was how much does a person’s class impact their ability to grow beyond their conscious thoughts?  For others who are familiar with the Master Key Experience, lesson 5 has additional references in 18, 19, 20, 22, 24, 25, and also in the study questions and answers in “4. Where has the conscious mind received its governing tendencies? From heredity, which means that it is the result of all the environments of all past generations.”

Why does this feel so important? Because I feel the concrete I am shedding is not just my own, it is connected to my heredity. The limited belief system I have inherited has affected me in my relationships, work, and my ability to dream and grow in the way my spirit was designed for.  What I found beautiful about the lessons, is being reminded of my Divine Heredity which speaks directly to my subconscious.  The mental home cleaning I am purposefully doing each morning for fifteen minutes and also adding additional moments throughout the day are critical for allowing my Divine Heredity to shine through.  In part 5, “10. What is the character of this material?  We have seen that it is the result of the impressions which we have accumulated in the past and stored away in our subconscious Mentality.  If these impressions have been of fear, of worry, of care, of anxiety; if they have been despondent, negative, doubtful, then the gesture of the material which we are weaving today will be of the same negative material.  Instead of being of any value, it will be mildewed and rotten and will bring us only more toil and care and anxiety.  We shall be forever busy trying to patch it up and make it appear at least genteel.”

I am deathly allergic to mold and mildew and believe with all my heart, mind, and soul, cleaning my mental home or my mentality allows the brilliant sun of my subconsciousness to shine through and to air out dark, damp spaces in my mind, even the parts I unconsciously inherited which are not benefitting me.

My sitting time this week included focusing on a mental place with pleasant associations which caused an outpouring of emotions of love and joy being at the beach, the smell of the ocean, and seeing a very beautiful home where my husband and I would live and our children would visit often.  I did a lot of crying and releasing and experienced new feelings of joy and love which I never felt from my divine source.  I feel I am experiencing my divine heredity and understand why I have always been in love with the sun so much! I’ve learned there is an inner sun within us all which warms us, enlightens us, enflames us, enriches us, heals us, and allows us to grow to our fullest potential!

Week 4 Be Hallow!

The definition of the word Hallow means to honor as holy! During this Halloween season, I am being Hallow, and honoring others around me in like!

This week has been enlightening as I am being 100% committed to self-mastery and so much is changing within!

My spider within has been weaving lost connections at a rapid rate and my web is catching and collecting old and new fruits! I’m feeling abundantly healthy and wealthy and willing to share!

There is a reference to Lyman Abbott’s address from Bangor Theological Seminary which is endearing to me, “We are coming to think of God as dwelling in man rather than as operating on men from without”. Twenty years ago, I had to the honor of speaking to seminarians each year at the seminary as part of their ethics class. I did this as a survivor of incest with love in very powerful ways. Reading this quote each day is awakening gifts I’ve received which I have hid. My eyes are filled with liquid love as I write. I spoke about my experience as a child being molested by my father, a man I still love yet choose to have no contact with. I was molested for 9 years and broke silence at age 15. My pain quadrupled afterwards and I spiraled into addiction, alcoholism, suicide attempts, and homicidal darkness. I got clean/sober at age 25 and hell on earth got hotter after being abused in my first marriage and relocated with the help of the FBI. I also had a 3 month old daughter and 2 year old son. My son was diagnosed with autism shortly after while living in a shelter in Maine. My only support was AA and a social worker who saw miracles in my story, thus my name on my blog. I meditated, I prayed, was kicked out of churches, my body collapsed because my son’s needs were more than the state of Maine could handle. My son had to go to Cape Cod after I obtained a lawyer pro bono. The state of Maine had to send my beloved son 5 and a half hours away for one year the first time and another year and a half the second time because there was nobody medically capable of handling his behaviors. He was only 4 years old the first time. When my son returned home at age 5, the services I needed in the home and school were intense. Nobody expected them to fail, but they did! I broke in a million pieces, nothing could have caused me more pain than to watch my family fall apart as it did when I broke my silence at 15. I begged on my knees to God, “please tell me what wrong I must right?” It was Thanksgiving morning and I called my father after 19 years and told him I was sorry and begged for forgiveness. He affirmed I did nothing wrong and he was the one in need of forgiveness. Shortly after that call, I found myself trying to sleep at night and I was awakened by one of my many painful flashbacks while I slept, yet this time it was different. Jesus was in the bedroom with me on the ceiling. (I’m spider woman, lol) He pointed downward where the evil took place and I wanted to punch Jesus in anger and was silently assured I was safe to look down. I expected to see what I had always seen in my flashbacks, but instead I saw two flames flickering like candles which collided intermittently. I wanted to point out to Jesus what my father was doing every night in condemnation and realized I couldn’t. I was confused. What if I point to the wrong flame? Which one was me, I believed I was the good one? It was a timeless moment of my life when I realized God sees both my father and I with the same love and acceptance. I could no longer judge my father and learned to love him as God does. My purpose is to share this healing which was given to me! I shared this with ministers at Bangor Seminary each year and used to speak quite a bit until I moved to Georgia 14 years ago.

The readings are causing me to be fearless in speaking to others again after 14 years. I shared things yesterday at work with my boss, last week in an interview, and last night with other clinicians during clinical supervision which are shocking people and I am listening to their responses, “wow, you’ve had a hard life!” Honestly, as hard as it has been, I still have difficulty shocking people with my story. I’ve been through a lot and I’ve worried how my story may jeopardize my work as I am now a professional counselor and do not want others to judge me in a negative way or lose my job because others have a hard time believing I could possibly survive all I’ve lived through without having serious mental issues. Believe me I have had them and work hard on myself daily! Being in recovery for 25 years has left me transparent to many, yet there are those in my profession who do not understand recovery. The spider in me is busy and I’m feeling very Hallow! I believe it is time for all those I am in contact with to also feel Hallow and understand how important recovery is for professionals as well as clients! Thank you MKE for helping me feel and being Hallow this Halloween season!

Week 3 What’s a DMP and is it me?

I am really starting to question my DMP, my “definite major purpose”. It felt so right when I began writing it three weeks ago, yet after reading week three of the Master Key, the Blueprint Builder, Scroll 1 of the Greatest Salesman, sitting with subby, I feel incredibly frustrated with it. I noticed when I read my DMP with enthuuuuusiiiiaaaasm, I had two parts of my responding to the words. The part which wrote it and another part which became critical and also supportive by asking myself “why do you want to do all of this work and not make money?” and “aren’t you already struggling with your current job with working too much, not feeling appreciated, and barely making it financially living from paycheck to paycheck?” I’ve tried convincing myself having a vision and dream is important and to be consistent.  What helps is my wonderful husband hears me “with enthusiasm” doing my readings and calls them “chants”. He has been very critical of my process with my career and all of the time, energy, self-discipline I am investing in and witnessing very little pay-off. In other words, Hubby sees me spinning my wheels and getting deeper in a hole.  He is right and I also feel this inside. I used to be a damn good salesman in my 20’s and know I have a gift to sell, yet making money selling felt so shallow and never knew how to sell and have my heart in it. I sold insurance for Metlife in my twenties and could make $2000 in a week easily, with little effort.  I would do exactly what I was trained to do, but it felt awful on the inside. Sure, I had money for a nice car, clothes, and could travel, and was so unhappy. I watched others scrape their monies together to pay for their policies which I sold to them and they barely had food to eat. I have a conscience and feel challenged getting wealthy by making others poorer.  I know I can make more money, yet my greatest obstacle is making more money at other people’s expense.  I feel stuck and my DMP feels like it is keeping there.  Although I see myself becoming wealthy with my DMP, I am also starting to visualize the process of getting there as too much work with little pay. I am 51 years old and getting tired of working and investing in an end result which never manifests.  For instance, I have been working towards my licensure as a counselor for over ten years. I applied for license last year and was denied. Two years of my experience had to be made up because my hours were not accepted because they changed the laws. The laws will be changed again by next September 2018 and I am truly spinning my wheels trying to make this deadline to prevent my Masters degree from being rejected.  I have paid close to $2000 for two other credentials to maintain for counseling and I feel I pay more for my work than my work is paying me. I keep telling myself I will make money eventually, yet eventually seems to keep moving farther and farther away. Everyday, I am sitting with subby and as much as I love doing what I do, I feel guided to try something different.  This is scary because I have 180,000 in student loans and paying for an education for a field of work I will not be in makes me angry at myself for wasting so much money.  Yet, I am feeling mad at myself because I feel like I am wasting my talents staying in this field.  My career path is not my most important goal in life. My family was and taking care of them is what means the most to me. I would love to do what I do with less effort. I am realizing my value through my DMP revisions and it feels bigger than my DMP. I honestly don’t know what parts of my DMP need to go or if it all needs to go. I just know reading it daily is bringing up resentment and anger. I believe my subby and hubby are both on the same page telling me, “you work to hard to struggle!”

Week 2 – I love the MKE!!!

I have been feeling a lot of physical and mental changes the last two-three days. My body has been going through comfort cravings, feeling like a teenager going through puberty which I find bizarre! I was feeling great waking up naturally about 4:30-5:00 and it felt sooo good! Then suddenly, it was like I got hit by a concrete hangover, lol. I have had to really push myself to do readings and even had to push to do the video Sunday night. I admit I watched it while lying on my bed and had a hard time keeping my eyes open even. Not because I wasn’t interested, but because everything in me was trying so hard to resist it.  I actually feel guilty because my motivation was super high up until Saturday and then I felt like I got hit by a train.  I have faith it will shift as I began reading week 2 readings.  This morning as I read, I felt like I was reading another language and just coached myself silently by telling myself it is ok, just go through the motions until it shifts.  Not sure what it is, but it got turned on when I started this and then took a siesta.  Hope I can get some feedback and I hope I am not alone.  Thanks MKE!